Inside My Head...

16 February 2017

Right, I'm delving into an area which I've never covered over here on my little blog before. If I'm honest, I'm sat here worried to death in hope that this will go down well with you. I know this won't be everyone's cup of tea, but I've decided I want to embed more personal things, stories and thoughts onto this space. When it comes to emotions and thoughts, I always find it very hard to say what I am feeling aloud. Therefore, I've learnt that writing down how I'm feeling into a journal can help me feel  like I've let off some steam and at least tried to get rid of a progressive pile of emotions weighing me down. I feel like sharing how I'm feeling on a most complex, personal level will allow me to connect with you more and hopefully making those of you out there who can relate, feel like you're not the only one suffering. I seriously don't want to trigger anyone, or for anyone to see this post as passive aggressive, so if you feel like you are easily offended by negativity or don't deal well with it, then I advise you stop reading. The main priority of this post is to basically get some stuff off my chest, as well as letting you in on a different side of me. Just to clarify, this is not for sympathy.


Being in such a strict routine has had a large influence on how I feel towards myself. We are our own worst critic, and it is so true. If someone takes a photo of me, I will pick every tiny, insignificant detail out and lower my confidence whilst doing so. Why are my eye bags so prominent? Why do my legs look horrific in this outfit? Why does my makeup look shit on camera? Does it look like that to other people in real life? All these things spiral around in my head every single time I take a photo. People will probably be like...stop taking photos then, dumbass. I love taking photos and they are my favourite things to keep to treasure memories. I just wish I had more self-love and have more of those days where you actually feel comfortable in your own skin. I hate saying that them days are very rare; I wish self-love was more prominent in my life but routine has taken that away from me. Every day I go to Sixth Form, come home, revise, stress, stress-eat, go to bed and then realise how much weight I've put on as I get into my pyjamas. I literally have no time to exercise anymore and it is really impacting on the negativity I feel towards my self, my health, my appearance and weight. I barely wear anything I used to because I'm disgusted of how I look in it, I used to be all up for wearing the latest fashion trends but whenever I step into a shop and try clothes on, I feel sick as I look in the mirror. I really don't want to trigger anyone in this post and as much as I want to spread positivity and happiness on this blog, it is just not realistic. I feel like I need to share these moments to show that life isn't always lipsticks and sparkly dresses, smiling in front of a camera or doing fun things every single week. In reality, we just smile in a photo because it is the social norm - from just one tiny smile and an upload, people will presume you've got your life together and that you are so happy. That brings me onto my next topic...judgement.


As much as I tell myself I don't give a shit about things, I sometimes do. Recently, I'm happy to say that I've learnt not to give one itsy bitsy shit about what people say about my hobbies. If people are going to drag you down on things you love, you need to delete them out of your life ASAP. There are so many people I know who've laughed about my blog or Youtube, and I literally don't care whatsoever. Blogging and creating videos are hobbies I'm extremely passionate for and things I love to do whenever I have spare time. Why should I let anyone stop, or make me think to stop, something I'm so happy about doing? I get that there are some nasty people in the world (TRUST ME, I've met a few) but I've come to an age where I just block out those dickheads who have nothing better to do in there life than criticize yours or mock you. I just think of it as a compliment; it seems that someone is so invested in your life for the wrong reason, and it's quite frankly embarrassing and immature on their behalf. Laugh it off and ignore them. That's what I do. I'm not saying that I don't judge anyone, because everyone judges, it's human nature but I've tried to find a way to filter the negative things. For instance, the other day, my boyfriend and I were driving and this car cut in front of me and about 4 others cars. It sped into the roundabout and almost caused a huge collision - our instinct was 'WHAT A TW*T!' but then I said to my boyfriend 'it's funny how we just assume he's an idiot for driving that fast'. How did we know that he wasn't rushing someone to hospital? What if a family member has fallen and he was speeding to get there for help? It just struck me how every single day we judge people, and it may not always be for the right reasons. If you are going to take anything from this post, please just try and see the opposite side to a situation - doing this has made me more mature and makes you generally think a lot differently to before.


For a significant part of my teenage life, I've struggled with mental health. For some reason this topic is forever being misconstrued - 'everyone has anxiety these days' or 'you looked happy yesterday you couldn't possibly be depressed'. I'm literally SICK to death of hearing all this bullshit. People who know me, or better-phrased 'think they know me', seem to believe my life is happy because I smile sometimes at school or out on the street. It literally makes me laugh so much that people are that close-minded they think people are happy because of a single facial expression. This next comment makes me ANGRY to the next level - 'you have such an easy life'. OKAY MATE. I've heard a few people say this about me and it literally makes my blood boil. People who I have barely spoken to, or haven't spoken to in months seems to think they know how I feel and what I get up to out of school or whilst at home. In terms of health, a roof over my head and food, I have a good life. However, these people have no idea what is going on inside my head, especially how bad my mind was in last year. I seriously struggled with mental health last year; I ended up having regular meetings with a councillor to try and bring back the life into me. I'd dug a dark hole of negativity in my life that I thought I would never come back from - I wanted to quit school, hide in my room, pretend and wish that I never existed. I went through so much last year - I had serious family issues, lost many people in my life I never thought I would and went through the worst emotional battle. Every single night I would cry myself to sleep, wake up with sore puffy eyes, and beg my parents to let me stay home and away from school. I stopped speaking to a lot of people, cut myself out from social situations and spent every single night in my room, alone. Luckily I've recovered a lot since then and I seriously do not know now - I am definitely not perfect and happy as ever now but at least I'm feeling a little brighter. A message I'd like to get across from this is simply : DO NOT let rats tell you how you feel and about your life when they have absolutely no idea what goes on behind closed doors. I share a lot on social media platforms, don't get me wrong, but there are a lot of things people don't know; things too personal to share but somehow are apparently 'non-existent' in my life if they don't know about it. 


School was a place that I used to love. It used to be fun getting up everyday to see my friends, time away from home and I used to love learning. Education has always been one of the top priorities in my life; I think it is such a privilege that we get to learn so many incredible things and I am super grateful that I am able to receive that. However, this has seriously worn off over the past year and a half at sixth form. Every single morning I dread entering the school building, sitting in the library studying or going to lessons all day - I basically cannot wait until I can just get in the car and go home. Popularity used to be a novelty back in the day - everyone always wanted to keep in with the fashion trends. Loosen the school tie to mid-chest, buy the latest shoes and wear the exact same Superdry jacket as your entire year group of 200 people. I cannot give an absolute shit about being 'popular' - this is such a poignant moment for my future and future career so why would I want to waste that time getting pissed every weekend or being invited to a house party? One big regret of mine was trying to fit in with 'popular' people - why did I always try to fit in with people? I've learnt that I'm very different to a lot of people in my year group at school. I don't get along with many people because I have a different mindset. I just want to be there to get work done so I can get off the university and find a group of people who I genuinely get along with. I'm not saying everyone at my sixth form are bad people, it's just I've been let down by so many I find it very difficult to trust anyone anymore. I'd rather just keep myself to myself just for this final period of school so I can start a new chapter somewhere else. Also, I don't want to build fake relationships with people either - you aren't going to like everyone and everyone isn't going to like you. It's a big part of life. I've been surrounded by bitchiness, judgment and downfalls the whole time I've been at secondary school and I will literally cry of happiness the day I leave. 


I thought I'd leave with the topic that I'm feeling super positive about - university. If I get the grades I need, I will be studying a Forensic Science degree at the University of Lincoln. How sick is that? I cannot wait to start a new chapter of my life, far away from where I live, in an environment of various-cultured people.  I'm exciting to hear about other people's lives, how their stories differ from mine, people who love and hate the same things as me and exploring a place I barely know. I have so many positive, good vibes whenever I think or go to Lincoln and I've never been more excited about something in my life. I've needed this fresh start for a long while - change is good, but scary. There are the little paranoid parts at the back of brain telling me 'you won't make any friends there' or 'it won't be any different' but the positivity is definitely overriding my nerves and anxiety. This is the main reason I'm focusing so hard on my studies and keeping myself to myself - I NEED THESE GRADES TO MAKE ME HAPPY AND START A NEW LIFE. I hope university brings me all the goodness I deserve and have been lacking over the past few years. Here's to a new, happier me. I can't wait to see what the future holds.

Could you relate to any parts of this post? Would you like me to get personal more often?

Lots of love 

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